| I wonder... On 6/16/2002 4:32:28 AM, Mike wrote : | Viewed : 421 |
| I am laying here in bed....I haven't written in a while, but I have had things to say. Just kept reading through them in my own mind. I took a nap today and am paying the price for it. Today, when I wake up, it will be fathers day. A strange day that I always wonder, What if?....Since my real dad past away when I was two I often wonder how his life would have effected my own. I think its more of a open ended conversation. Truth is that I will never know. Perhaps I am better off not knowing. Or perhaps I am not. A dangerous notion it is to ponder ones self existance along more than a single path. I am thankful for the life I do have and while we all live with regrets in our lives, I try to live with as few as I can. Why am I rambling? I wrote to debbie today...I haven't done that in a while. I was thinking of her the other day. In some other life, I chased her off into the sunset and lived happily ever after. Who's other life was that? I think my brother graduating on thursday pushed it. After having the arguement with Dan Peters! God, what an ass he STILL is. All I wanted to say was "You ignorant Fuck. That failing english grade you gave me. I could give a shit less! I make more money then you and you're still a public f-ing school teacher.".....But then I realized, that I would never be able to actaully do it. Rob did get in a few parting shots and he did forcefully ask him where we were supposed to sit given the fact that the bleachers and everything else were so poorly organized. My cats won't leave me alone. I think they sense I am lonely. Or maybe just horny. God being alone is great, until the time comes for some snuggle time. And man, I could sure use some of that about now. Fuck..I forgot a card for tomorrow morning. Oh well, I'll get it on the way to Mom and Dad's. I need to get away from the city again. The noise is beginning to build and I need the quiet for a while. I am starting to loose my abilities. I think because I am not using them. I do think that my grandmother is going to die very soon. I don't know how I know. I think I can feel her soul searching for a way to leave her body behind. As if her body is slowing her down. I hope that she leaves when she is ready and not before. I worry that my family will not be ready for it. For its us that have to live on passed her death. God I hate knowing. I best just keep my mouth shut. I keep wondering if what I can see/hear/feel is true. Is it true to me? Is it relevant? or even worth mentioning? I should seek out more information about it. But I am scared to find out what it really is. Defense mechanism or something deep rooted in my soul that keeps me from searching? I think I am far too naive and scared to ever venture forth and find out. Sweat....argh..I hate sweating. (I sweat alot...) I remember appologizing to Evan when holding his hand. I think being nervous and just being anxious in his presence always did that to me. But tonight, its just the heat. I've just about worn out that John Mayer CD. I love it. But mostly because I love the fact that he can say what I feel. (sheesh, is that even a sentance?)..... My writing needs work. I sat for an hour and read more of Debbie's journals. I am such a simpleton. It sucks. I could learn to write all I want, but I'll never learn how to make music with the pen. GOD, JUST ONE ARTISTIC TALENT! Just one...Is that too much to ask for?! Being analytical sucks. Yeah, it pays the bills, but just for once I'd like to have a moment to myself where I am not thinking about active directory migration or print servers or lans or routers or how to reconfiugre my network for better performance. I guess its in my nature to long to try to make it better, but its a seemingly endless battle with myself to outdo my previous achivements. Most of which acheivments go unnoiticed, even by the trained eye. I'll just sulk instead. Its more human that way. Maybe in my next life I'll meet my lover as cats and we can talk the day through. (Boobers just sat down next to me..How ironic!?) I need a shower......I smell..well, I can't smell..damn alergies have me all clogged up. I wish I could smell sometimes. Damn nose doesn't work worth a damned most of the time. My fingers are tired...I am going to J/O and take a shower...Then maybe to bed...Fucking nap...I'll be up all night now. | |